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Have you ever sat in front of a mirror, on a chair or on your bed? Looking at yourself straight on with your thighs all squashed out, your stomach rolls bunching up, and everything in a terribly unflattering position..? Well, I was getting ready for one of our Thanksgiving gatherings this weekend and as I sat on the edge of our bed putting my makeup on I took a long, hard look at myself. Then I did it again as I sat on a bench at Mike's aunt's house, putting my boots on my fat legs, seeing my big arms and wide shoulders.
I do NOT understand why I allow myself to look this way.
I do NOT understand why I let myself get this bad.
I do NOT understand why I'm so lazy, unmotivated, and unsuccessful.
But I DO understand that it can't continue.
I'll admit a secret to you - I can't wait to have a baby. I am baby crazy right now as I daydream about my future with Michael. And one thing I know very well is that is it not good to carry excess weight when you are tying to get pregnant, or when you are having a baby.
That SHOULD be all I need to motivate me. That should be enough. That PLUS the view of myself while sitting, or in pictures.. THAT should be MORE than enough.
But it isn't.
WHY?
I need motivation. I need determination. I need strength and willpower. I lack all of these things that make it possible to make a lifestyle change and get fit.
My past haunts me. Last September I started running using the app
Ease Into 5k (formerly called Couch to 5k). The app plays your music while it teaches beginners how to run in 9 weeks. In October I started a 6 week program at
Get Fit Bootcamp. From September to mid October I lost 30lbs running alone. I lost an additional 20 from running and bootcamp in the following 6 weeks. The program I was in was a trial, and I got in for free. I was blessed with that. However, I couldn't afford to continue going.
Then the snow came. I tried to run in the winter but it was more difficult to breathe, and very difficult to run on the ice. So I stopped running all together. My mother got me a membership at the YMCA so I could run indoors. I went once. We canceled it. I tried to run in the spring, but it was too wet and muddy. Then the summer came and it was too hot. Excuse after excuse, issue after issue, and the pounds came back. Before long I had gained back everything that I had lost. I am so sad and disappointed in myself.
That brings us to now. I have started at Get Fit again; I've been going for 2 weeks, this week is my third. And I really want to start running again, but up until now I have lacked the motivation. I'm hoping to start tonight, actually. I go to bootcamp at noon on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so I'm hoping to run on Tuesday and Thursday, and if I can find the motivation, Saturday as well.
I'm hoping by sharing this story with all of you, you will help me stay motivated. I figured if I make my struggle public like this that I HAVE to stick to it, or else I won't only fail, but I will also be embarrassed. This way there is something holding me accountable. Right?
I will update occasionally, but not every day. Every blog regarding my struggle will be tagged with "weight loss", "life", and "personal", so you have 3 tags to find the entries under. I'm going to try and continue my life as normal, and not place a large amount of emphasis on this so I do not become overwhelmed. It shouldn't be overwhelming. It should just be a gradual lifestyle change that I can maintain for the rest of my life.
If you have any stories, comments, suggestions, words of encouragement, please leave them for me. I'd love to see them. Feel free to follow my blog via
bloglovin' or via google (the link is in my sidebar). And if you have a blog that you'd like me to follow, I'd be more than happy to.
Here goes nothin'!
xo
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